The holiday season is fast approaching.  Assorted friends and relatives from near and far brave the teeming airports, bustling train stations, and icy winter roads to make their ways to grandmother’s house – or maybe to YOUR house!

So here we go again!  It’s that time of the year to make merry and recommit ourselves to the true meaning of giving; of counting our blessings; of rekindling that flame of joyful childhood memories as we gather around the Thanksgiving table, the Christmas tree, the Menorah lights, or the Kwanzaa candles; and, it is a time for rejoicing that our far-flung empire of first and second cousins, grandmothers and grandfathers, in-laws, step kids, uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews—and all their children (and their children’s children), whose names you can barely remember or never really knew—are once again reunited.

Such memorable gatherings of friends and relatives may, however, come with a personal cost to you as host.  Costs can include putting up with cousin Kelly’s lame jokes, cousin’s Tim’s political rants, Uncle Bill’s need for an oxygen tank between drags on his cigarette, Aunt Kathy’s leaden fruit cake, Dad’s constant reminders of money you still owe him, and the loud, tryphtophan-induced, postprandial snoring of numerous celebrants sprawled in front of the big screen TV with the football game blaring just under the din of familial arguments, laughter and occasional tears.

How do you remain composed in light of all this disruption?  How do you contain your emotions when a prized object d’art is shattered in the jostling for pumpkin pie?  And, how do you stay calm when all you want to do is survive this hurricane-like assault on your senses and nerves

The Basic Elements© is an approach to understanding your temperament that may come in handy during these upcoming times of carefully planned frivolity and festivity.   Temperament consists of those inborn feelings and reactions we all have that are developed and grown over time and that make us uniquely—us!  These feelings and natural reflexes make us laugh at a certain scene in a movie while others cry; make us right handed, while others are lefties; and, can make us go berserk when the gravy boat hits the new carpet, while others react nonchalantly.  In other words, temperament (as in “he has the temper for that”) is another way of describing our personal preferences for behaving the way we do. It’s how we tick.

The Basic Elements© approach divides temperament into four basic sets of preferred behaviors. We call them: Earth, Air, Fire and Water.  At birth, each of us has within us all four sets of temperaments established in a priority order—and each of us has a unique order. As we grow up we learn, develop, and grow each of our four temperaments, yet we still “default” back to our original set order when we face stress and conflict—like when cousin Carol pulls out the family album just as dessert is served and a scoop of mint chocolate splatters over a favorite picture of your late Uncle Jack. We automatically revert to our primary or dominant temperament first—unless we deliberately choose to use behaviors from the other three sets. Our dominant temperament is our favorite one.  It’s the one we feel the most comfortable with and the one that best reflects our self image.  We view ourselves in our dominant, Basic Elements temperament categories as:

Earth—dominant Earth’s describe themselves as reliable, traditional, organized, sensible, and trustworthy. 

Air—dominant Air’s describe themselves as intelligent, analytical, curious, visionary, and logical.

Fire—dominant Fire’s describe themselves as spontaneous, playful, innovative, uninhibited, and fearless.

Water—dominant Water’s describe themselves as compassionate, friendly, personal, and benevolent.

As we begin to apply temperament to the sometimes stressful behaviors we see during the holiday season, we learn that our negative reactions to certain (not all) behaviors of others may indicate differences in the behavioral preferences with which they were born.

The behaviors in others that tick us off the most are, more often than not, representing our shadow temperament—those behaviors that we are “hot wired” not to trust and not to value.  In other words, it is our least favorite of the four available temperaments.

The shadow is that vaguely familiar part of us that we prefer to keep suppressed, unacknowledged, and “in the dark.”  We are most often not conscious of the existence of this shadow temperament but it plays an important part in our personality. These shadow aspects of our personality are either part of our biological inheritance (i.e., genes) or were stored there during our upbringing because we “learned” that they were unwelcome. This shadow affects our life daily—sometimes in helpful ways but most often it causes conflict and interpersonal strife.  When you experience your shadow temperament in others, you typically perceive their behaviors as negative.  The Basic Elements, viewed from your shadow temperaments, may include:

Earth—Earth’s are described by others from their shadow as parental, conservative, inflexible and judgmental. 

Air—Air’s are described by others from their shadow as calculating, condescending, unemotional, and cold.

Fire—Fire’s are described by others from their shadow as irresponsible, immature, boorish, and reckless.

Water—Water’s are described by others from their shadow as meddlesome, clinging, nosy, and emotional.

Continuous denying or repressing of the shadow creates two negative consequences. First, it will express itself at the worst time and place (e.g., at the holiday dining table) and in the most infantile fashion (e.g., finally telling the family what you really think of them); or, we project our poor opinions of those behaviors onto others (e.g., cousin Carla is a complete nut case!).

The irony is that the more deeply we hide our shadow—the more evident it is to everyone but ourselves.  However this shadow can also become a source of strength, creativity and growth for anyone who takes the time to positively explore making these behaviors personally and socially acceptable.

EARTH

When your dad reminds you for the nth time about the money you owe him and you are about to scream at how he still treats you like a kid, you might recall how he supported and protected you and your brothers and sisters for most of your life without much of a job or health insurance.  You might also consider that his Earth temperament, judgmental behavior towards you may be the only way he knows of teaching you about being trustworthy and reliable.

AIR

When your cousin Carla debates health care and quotes data from a recent magazine article that says how unjust it is to pay for others who don’t work, you may think she’s nuts because her research seems to be forgetting about the millions of working Americans without any insurance.  Her Air temperament is simply providing some facts and additional information to the debate, rather than relying on myths about the poor and the uninsured.  Your exposing flaws in the data and providing an additional viewpoint will actually improve the conversation and perhaps lead Carla to further investigation.  Ah, she wasn’t a complete nut case after all!

FIRE

When Uncle Bill’s obviously high risk behavior toward life begins to drive you crazy and he wheels his oxygen tank outside to take his cigarette break, you might be interested in learning that his Fire temperament behaviors were shaped as a young paratrooper who dropped behind Nazi lines on D-Day without much chance of survival.  Talk to him.  You’ve got a lot to learn about living on the edge.

WATER

The loud gossip and tall tales told by your aunts, uncles and cousins over coffee and pie may not actually be just the prattle of meddlesome and nosy relatives (as you may see it from your shadow perspective).  They may, in fact, be helping the family by keeping them informed, learning about where they need help, and offering advice on everything from schools to sales to what styles to wear with those sassy new shoes.  These Water temperament behaviors provide the glue that connects family member no matter where they live throughout the world.

The holiday season sometimes brings out the worst as well as the best in us all.  An understanding of our personal temperament and the temperaments of others as modeled in The Basic Elements© may help us hold our temper, and our tongues, while making the season a more joyous and enjoyable one.